In darkness I see

In darkness I see..

'Cause my eyes are closed

from seeing the virtual.

Lights blinden me,

clouding my thoughts with things figmental.

It shows me people, it shows me structures,

It show me trees, it shows me birds.

But yet I know not who they are.

The structures I use, knowing not why..

Where trees become mere structure,

the common thread of life going oblivion.

And birds are like passing clouds ,

meant to fly and just fly.

For our rooms are dark and streets are lighted.

We see what is shown and are blind to what we are.

When the outside is dark, I try seeing with the feeble light inside.

And its scary in there so I stick to the 'window',

to see the known and escape the uncharted.

I search for its source.

Its there everywhere yet perplexing to find.

Where is it from?

Am I the musk deer,

looking for the light when it comes from within..

Or am I the weary traveler

who has yet to travel,

a long long way before he reaches the source.

But I am restless as I have no place to rest.

For I feel safe in light outside even if I have to run..

Thus search is what I must do, to get my elusive rest...

Life is a bitch

And you thought it was over..

And you thought you knew what you wanted..

And you thought you got what you ever dreamt of..

We play the game whose rules we know not

Whose end we are unsure of..

And you thought you could call it quits!

The only weapon is the “thinking” mind of ours

Which won’t even let you quit

For there exists no path of exit

And you thought you had reins on your mind

Mere pawns is what we are

Soldiers of a bigger game

The worst torture is the ignorance of ignorance

In darkness we live

The quest of mind and the quench of heart we never satisfy

The thirst so old and deep

That we know not the taste of water

And you thought you are full

We run after the firefly

Mistaking it as the trail of light which leads to freedom

Where enemies dwell with us, within us

And friends are difficult to reach and hard to find

In illusion we stay and falsity we thrive

We think there are others when it has always been one vs. many

After all, the puny soldier has to face great challenges before it transforms

The powerless that he is..

For a step taken forward cannot be retraced back

And the forces to be faced head-on

And you thought you knew it all

When the only rule we know is

The weak shall be punished

So our tears flow dry and our smiles are shallow

We thus wait for answers

The wait been so long that it seems an eternity

And wait we shall do for even that aint a choice.

My Take Away From Yr. 2010

In terms of experience, this has been a very enriching year for me. It's said that good can't exist without bad and you won't know what day is if you din't know what night is. The same way, our power stays dormant and unrealized until we face something challenging us or mocking us in face constantly. Every person has his own insecurities. These are not meant to be covered under the sheet but to be faced, else they will keep coming back to to you again and again and haunt you. This aggravates even more when you are confronted with a very unfamiliar and alien ambiance as happened to me in my stay here at XIMB.

After having faced all kinds of people here, the first thing I learned is people are not wrong, they are just different for nothing is right and nothing is wrong. It's simply that we tend to tag people different then us as 'bad'. For this is the simplest way to deal with them, to sort things out in our head and simply explain ourselves that I don't have to bother as there is something wrong with the person himself(her). The result? You start reacting to the situation. Its like a reflex mechanism which you are forced to do to save yourself the trouble of getting into another person's skin. Group behaviors emerge which makes each group member create a kind of shield from having to deal with alien forces with which they are not comfortable. The irony of the situation is if you constantly have this shield people will see you as enemy and if you have an enemy you will need the shield. Thus it becomes difficult to break free from this loop! How ever what we fail to understand is behind this shield is a person who is formed of his own individual elements which defines the person he is. To explain with an analogy, imagine each of the following element is a person:- Na, Cl, Fe, He,Mg,Cr,C,... Initially Na sees potential threat from almost everyone so it desperately looks for someone by whose association it will be able to save itself. It spots Cl and forms NaCl, whose behavior is now different then its individual behavior. Now Fe finds that NaCl is a threat as it will corrode its surface. So it mixes up with C, Mg, Cr etc to form Steel which is relatively more equipped to withstand NaCl. Here NaCl is an extreme form of group coherence and Steel is a general way of group formation. Na is not a bad person neither is Cl. All they are doing is saving their own skin and in the process they are hurting someone (Fe) . In this situation, it won't be easy for Fe to apply this logic and make sense of this behavior. Rather it simply tags Na in combination with Cl to be a 'bad person'. Here I also gave the example of 'He'. 'He' is a person who is happy on his own. No one links with him nor does anyone see him as a threat. This is also a type of people who are rare to find but they exist.

The biggest lesson I learnt is to understand people as they are, with their own set of characteristics and to be content with your own self.

One cannot learn how to swim without going into water. One cannot learn how to cycle without falling off the bicycle. What I mean to say is difficult situations in life teach you some important lessons and they are the lessons from which you learn the most. This year threw upon me an array of challenges and threats to which I had to react and find a way out. In this process, I took a step closer to self discovery. I got to know some of my strong likes and dislikes and why I am the way I am. It might sound ridiculous to some but you would be amazed to know how less we actually know about ourselves. It's just a matter of looking around and finding out. The clues are just planted all around us but unfortunately we open our eyes only when we see ourselves in a pool of water from which we have to find a way out. Life is the most amazing and complicated creation of god, the super engineer of all. Nobody can claim to know this truth but all I can say is I got to know the presence of this book of truth of life. I don't know what to find in it but I know its containts i.e. volumes of all mysteries adding up to show the whole picture which I believe is the simplest thing on earth i.e. 'the truth'.

Other then these esoteric stuffs, I got to know some new people, who irrespective of my liking towards them, will be registered in the book of my life forever.

When The Mountain Moved

It stood there high

Dry at times; damp at times

Torrid at times; frigid at times

Smoky at times; dusty at time

Enormous, immovable it was

Nothing ever changes, nothing ever changed

At least that’s what it believed

Until…

It came like a storm and passed like a thunder

It poured and it poured

Like never before

The drops danced on its top

Seeped deep down its crevices

Went in and in and in

Never before had that happened

The impenetrable rock had been debilitated

It felt like intoxicating elixir

It was everything together it had ever experienced

But then it started leaving!

The pain got unbearable

It had always lived like this before

Then why now!

The damage was done

Things had changed

With the elixir, went out its life

It stood just a body now

The crevices widened

And it started falling apart

Days turned to months and months to years

But it had to have it one last time

And thus it waited…

Then one fine day it happened

The same intoxicating taste

The same captivating smell

Only more deep, more strong

The crevices had a purpose

Over those years they had accumulated it

On the mountain flowed the river

Their existence was together

For they were formed together

No one without the other

Physical existence was namesake

And eternal they became.

Reminiscing

For once, I wish to count from 1 to 100 facing a wall, with the chattering and the laughter slowly subsiding, with me looking for places where even a ghost would fear entering, but in the madness of the moment and oblivious to the surrounding, I would make my way through to surprise the hidden one and shout 'caught'-- the disappointment clear on face.

For once, I wish to climb the hanging branch on my rooftop with pickle in my hand and bruises on my knees, swinging with the blowing wind and swinging my legs along with.

For once, I wish to get all dirty in the sand in the backyard of my house, trying to make the perfect sand castle no matter how much I have to dig and how much dirt enters my nails.

For once, I wish to watch Scrooge, Morticia, Ray, Egons, Johnny, Alladin, Ariel, Dexter, Popaye, Baloo, Kid cloudwala, Moglee and loose track of the moving time till I get a good earful from Mamma.

For once, I wish to get lost in Contra, Mario and Duck Hunt till my eyes start watering and I am practically exhausted after the duel of which I became a virtual part.

For once, I wish to take the prized tasty sandwich in tiffin and showoff to friends in tiffin break who have not been as lucky as me that day.

For once, I wish to get scared as if I have been just sentenced to death when the teacher says "Show me your homeworks".

For once, I wish to jump on the sand mountain till the owner of the treasure would come and howl the world at me.

For once, I wish to pull someones hair for messing with me or not listening to 'what I said'.

For once, I wish to win the much coveted title of 'The Cycle Race Winner' among the local gang members.

For once, I wish to have the jitters of understanding the unknown feelings after catching 'the cute shy one' in my imagination.

For once,I wish to stealthily tip-toe into the kitchen and grab as much as I can in that one life-or-death shot at having the delicacy which mom has been hiding since long.

For once, I wish to be dragged by papa to face 'Miss' in the parent-teacher meeting, praying for what was coming next.

For once, I wish to be that stupid-silly-unassuming-irascible-shy kid for whom the world was what she saw.

It happened to me!

Disclaimer: This is a true life incident that happened to me and I believe that it simple can’t be incidental with anything or anyone...

Though it’s not something I could write about but the incident suddenly flashed before me in my memory and I couldn’t help but write about it. It’s one of the funniest moments I have had till now.

This happened during my FMS exam last year. I usually get very tensed before any exam and this exam was no different. I had not received my admit card and FMS had a separate procedure for people who had not got their cards for entry into the hall. Well I had reached the center a bit late (considering the fact that I had to go through the checking procedure). And to add to the misery, the invigilators told me to go back and return the next year :| ! Anyways after a bit of persistence they let me in… It was quite late by then and I was completely freaked out… around 5 mins were left for the exam. As my habit I usually take a break to the washroom before exams. I became all panicky and was frantically looking for the washroom. Finally I saw it and had a quick look to check the ‘ladies’ sign. I opened the door, closed it from inside and barged in. Guess what happened next. To my horror and chagrin I saw two guys relieving themselves!! I didn’t know how to react and was all numb and guess what I did next… Instead of running away before they noticed me, I started shouting at them. Equally surprised and still continuing with their ‘work’ they tilted their head to see who this lady was who thought of hitting the gents’ toilet before the exams! I was shouting “Get out all of u! This is a ladies toilet.” One of the guys finished with his ‘work’ and turned towards me to face me. The look in his face is something I cannot forget. He was amused beyond imagination and directed me outside and showed me the signboard where ‘gents’ was written. Adding to my red face some jackass had written ladies below it with chalk and this is what I had seen before entering. Seeing the chaos three more guys had already gathered there who were in a bit of a hurry to enter and I was still stupidly arguing with them not to enter :\ Thankfully a peon from somewhere came to my rescue and redirected me to the actual ladies bathroom. It was then that I realized what had happened and I rushed out of the place to save my face. :\

Streamlining everything

I was just reading an article about the developments that have taken place in China and the way it’s been reforming itself. Slowly, steadily and with a single minded determination the country has been pursuing development, snubbing aside and ignoring all contrary beliefs of the world meant at disparaging its efforts. This is one thing that I respect in the country irrespective all the histories India-China have had.

On the other hand, we Indians are like some hard skinned animals. We think of a way out when the problem arises. Forget any long term visions even the short term ones are on ad hoc basis. To put things exactly, for example, the development of road happens only when they develop deep fissures, cracks and craters; dams are built after years of flood which is simply meant to check them with no concern whatsoever of its long term impacts, urban population is on an exponential rise and there seems to be no method to check this. I am not saying that some people should be selectively granted access to uptown place but what I am saying is that some initiatives needs to be taken to create opportunities everywhere even if it means a loss to the government. Its impacts mayn’t be immediate but it would show results only in the long term. But of course, this is how most of the people think- “What’s the point of doing all this… bear a big loss, and not even be able to take its credit.” Compare this with China, their infra is one of the most robust in the whole world, and so much of detailed engineering goes into them that we cannot even think of being anywhere close to their expertise. Sadly, we simple remain mere bystanders and spectators to this continuous development taking place in our neighborhood.

So instead of taking on the whole problem in one go we can simple break the task into smaller parts and take on them individually, somewhat like guerilla warfare. Take this for example (I take this example because this is one of the immediate problems I see in front of my eyes now that I am in Kolkata).

All Kolkata looks to me is a land of blue/red/white buses and yellow taxies. The roads are always a stream of vehicles one following the other. The thing that bugs me the most is the enormous use of private transportation here. It might sound ridiculous to some people who might say what’s wrong in this! But I want to ask what’s so right about this? Imagine if one person consumes 5-6 lts of fuel per day, occupies ~ 30 sq feet area on road; calculate how much 1000 or more people commuting here would contribute to the figure everyday! Of course it would be immediately countered by the argument of comfort they get and ‘If-I-earn-I-will-spend’ theory. Now here’s a plan to accommodate these concerns also. Just streamline everything.

But before suggesting changes I will give a brief on the traffic concerns in the city as the traffic woes of this place is a different story altogether. Thanks to the huge Kolkata population, irrespective of 100s of buses, taxis and the underground metro, the supply still falls short of demand here. Buses are always overcrowded; taxis are always reserved and even breathing gets difficult in the metro during peak traffic hours. When I first came to the city, I was shocked to see how even older women had to chase buses/ shuttles to board them. Girls avoid public transports for safety reasons. So people are mostly forced with no choice here.

But the important question is what can be actually done. We cannot ignore the fact that people like co-habiting with people who they think are like them or better than them, in terms of financial status, standard of living, mindset etc. So I will accommodate this fact in this streamlining model of commutation in Kolkata that I want to suggest. Just like we have economy class, business class planes, the same can be created for buses also. Create an id-card system for all people which would give them selective access to different buses. Simple restrict or downsize the number of taxies plying on road say for example by some lottery system. I am not saying it’s easy but it can be implemented. Lots of other planning like finding some other employment method for the people who thus lose their business has also to be done simultaneously. These buses should be very well maintained and a limit should be put on the number of people who would be allowed to travel standing to avoid overcrowding. Any deviation by anyone should be dealt with very strictly. There should be well maintained bus stops and all buses should strictly ply on time. It looks very animal like the way these buses move with a conductor hanging and howling “hada hada hada” and 10-15 people shoving each other to get in.

However just changing one aspect won’t be effective or long lasting unless a holistic approach is taken. There are some of the areas where I think serious intervention is needed. These are things very obvious but just because our eyes have become used to it and hence we are okay to it doesn’t mean that they can be ignored. Places like Esplanade, Chandini chowk are like some archaic places with the buildings being monuments in themselves. And south-Kolkata, whenever I pass through the place I always have this feeling that it’s a hub of infiltrated Bangladeshis. They are so much a part of Kolkata and the pathetic ambience there is so obvious that no local person here would even notice anything wrong.

Nobody likes changes which is even a law of nature (remember Newton’s 1st law- the law of inertia) and more when it is abrupt. However, if some drastic measures are not taken things will never go towards improvement but towards deterioration.